Cycling Winds

CONGRATULATIONS

2007-08-13T13:58:00.000Z

Mild Breeze you have lost none of your empathy. I am as always touched by your concern.I won’t be down in Leeds during August. Maybe we can meet after your holidays I could be tempted by the boar, although this year I won’t be winning it as I feel quite small. I estimate my wind speed currently to be between 1-3 mph which as you know on the Beaufort Scale is described as ‘light air’. I have an application form. I’ll wait to hear from you but I’m happy to sign up if you are
Yours in sport

The cyclist formally known as Cyclone

Typhoon I have subscribed to that magazine you asked me to get for you dear. I thinks there’s an interesting article about the floods in Hull which include some heroic training techniques and insurance frauds and also Mild Breeze has plans to get the team back together for the Boar.
Cyclone X

Thank you gorgeous. I shall enjoy reading it for tips on shoes that match my lycra wedding dress. It’s fabulous Mild Breeze, top of the range and soooooo this season, you’d love it. Typhoon

Ding dong the bells are gonna chimeIsn't it exciting! I've already started looking for a hat. However I am concerned that two members marrying each other sounds a little incestuous. I hope your first born doesn't come out a mutant with four legs. You'd have to buy it a tandem.Cyclone a word of warning. Insist on a 'pre-nup' agreement. Women can be scheming and this may just be Typhoon's devious plan to get her mits on your Marin. Typhoon your wedding dress sounds dreamy. Do you have anyone in mind for your maid of honour?RegardsMild Breeze

Wild Boar Challenge 2007

2007-08-13T13:49:00.000Z

Winds
Exciting it is. I used to be preoccupied with Chain rings, now Typhoon and I have other rings in mind
I have just looked at the wildboar website and once again they are showing blokes with beards leading the way. When will they ever learn. I’m thinking perhaps I should win it after all . I went out on my bike on Saturday and did 30 miles, and although I wasn’t absolutely fabulous I was ok and you’ll be ok too. You just need to get back in the saddle. If you’ve seen Rocky Balboa you’ll know what I mean
http://www.wildboarchallenge.ik.com/
Rothwell Country Park,
Rothwell
Leeds, West Yorkshire

Sunday 14h OCTOBER 2007

£10 for 50km challenge
WILL YOU ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE?

So are we on for the boar ? I have attached the form
I look forward to your replies
Cyclone

Cyclone pops the question

2007-08-03T14:30:00.000Z

Santa's Little Helper

2007-03-19T22:17:00.000Z

Just how does Mild Breeze manage to dress so well yet travel so lightly on European tours? A riddle often pondered by jealous cyclists. Cyclingwinds can exclusively reveal that the tiny back pack he carries contains a helium balloon and that his wardrobe and hair styling products are sent on ahead by the budget support vehicle.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE COMPETITION

2007-03-05T14:39:00.000Z

Up in Flames

2007-03-02T16:11:00.000Z

Following years of deep trauma, Whirlwinds white sock fetish was finally laid to rest by fellow members of Cycling Winds. In an emotional ceremony, his entire collection of white socks were incinerated on a bonfire temporarily high-jacked from the local scout brigade. Although two scouts perished due to toxic smoke inhalation, everyone agreed it was the only way Whirlwind would move on, and it was well worth a couple of scouts.

CYCLE SPORT MAGAZINE

2007-02-21T11:56:00.000Z

NEW EDITION AVAILABLE NOW

Shirley Bassey Singer and Keen Cyclist

2007-02-02T14:13:00.001Z

Subject: RE: Bridges closed due to high Winds

Have I missed something?

Oh I get it. One bad performance in the Wildboar and I'm ostracised. Here's me thinking nobody is communicating when all the time you were hatching a plan to go somewhere exotic without me.

Cyclone my phone number is **********. I presume you need this so you can officialy drop me from the team by text.

Well for your information I too have been making enquiries about the summer tour, but of course I had every intention of including my comrades. A friend has told me we should get over for the tour de France as the atmosphere is very much like that of the World Cup. The tour goes into Belgium in early July and I thought this may be worth consideration.

Perhaps it's time to start building bridges!

Regards

Isolated Breeze

Mild Breeze
Typhoon asked me if you were Ok the other day, there was a suspicion that you had wandered into the woods with a rucksack full of Stella and your music and that you had gone feral. For my part you are very much part of the team. All good teams need domestiques to carry the water bottles and no one can fault you in that department.
As always Whirlwind seems to be organising the trip. I’m like Shirley Bassey, you wouldn’t expect her to wire up her own sound system and check it out. No she would just turn up and belt out a few songs for the fans, leaving them awestruck yet again. What a performer !
Well I for one am glad you are alive and well, albeit a tad grumpy.
Warmest regards
Cyclone

# Well you did not invite us to play in your 5 a side football team about 6 years ago did you???

I can see that the Wildboar Challenge debacle has left you with some permanent psychological scars, I have the same problem everytime I look at our team photo from your wedding and see me in white sports socks, no amount of counselling will clear that one up for me.

New Year New expedition.

I like the Tour de France idea but it lasts 3 weeks and I am not sure if I can have all that time off work, and we might have to complete some qualifying races before they let us in.

My Friend Dave has just moved to Barcelona and I had an idea about flying to S of France and then back from Barcelona, to and from Yeadon, though I know that you have issues with air travel and the amount of CO2 emmissions aircraft produce per km compared to the ferry.

I think we need to discuss over some beers.

Whirlwind
A member of the organising committee of A to B probably taking in a bit of France, maybe Belgium or Spain 2007

Whirlwind et al

I must confess I scanned Mild Breeze's wedding photograph on the computer some years ago and put you in a nice pair of socks in bank manager black. I couldn't stand being associated with your Bjorn Borgs. Would you like me to post it on the blog ?

I'll go anywhere. But as you would expect I already have a qualifying team entry for Le Tour de France. KELME went out due to the drugs debacle and that left a spot for the Cycling Winds although we would need a suitable sponsor and you would have to shave your legs

Cyclone

The Not organising anything committee.

TERRIBLE ACCIDENT

2007-01-30T09:57:00.000Z

Well my early season training was dealt a crushing blow last week when I had a terrible accident and ripped the anterior ligaments in my right ankle.Typhoon might suggest that I did this whilst watching the omnibus edition of coronation street where the savage murder of Charlie (Blameless)Stubbs by Tracy (Wrong-un) Barlow caused me to spasm wildly and a large crack sounded in my ankle. Nothing could be further from the truth I was actually on a particularly gnarly (mountain bike speak) downhill in a local quarry when I was thrown off the bike and was catapulted down a cliff, lucky to be alive I struggled home and attended casualty where they confirmed I was indeed Lucky to be alive and that I was indeed a brave little soldier. I’m actually feeling quite good today though but I have had a week off work and Typhoon managed to score some heroin for me which eases my pain.

Cyclone (Brave soldier)

It sounds bad!!

But I think Tracy is misunderstood and there were extenuating circumstances, a stern warning should be enough.

Its Diedre I feel sorry for...How would you feel if everytime you spoke the muscles in your neck tightened and you spoke like a member of the opposite sex?

Sorry to hear about your ankle but I have always said that men over 40 should not wear stiletto's, you are asking for trouble.

The Whirlwind

Toulouse-Barcelona 2007

Subject: RE: Terrible Accident

We have of course run across some of the finest bridges in this country, it would be great to cycle across that monster to add to our collection of "great bridges we have cycled across" such as the famous "breathe in" bridge at Trier.

Toulouse is the other way back towards Andorra but I will see if anybody flies in to Montpellier from Leeds or Newcastle, that way we could take it in

I like what you have done there with the bridge reference, I wll look for more such war references to keep Mildbreeze AKA Raging Meteor Storm happy e.g. just down the road in Marsailles there was the famous battle between the English and assorted North Africans in 1998.

Whirlwind

A member of the organising committee of Southern France-Barcelona 2007

Mighty Winds
Don’t forget the famous bridge where Len went all whimsical, something about wooden gliders and stuff Pont something Pegasus or something or other and an old café bar where the resistance hung out, and then there’s the bridge a few miles after Hon fleur where we got scared (ish) because it was so big and steep and we ended up on an industrial estate trying to get to the ferry. Lets not forget the tiny bridges of Belgium that held us up as we tried to find our way out of their towns. And that bridge where the cycle race went by and we would have won it had we not been sipping Stella at the time ah and the one where we got held up for the Marathon, which once again we would have won if you could have entered on the day. Oh the memories.
I looked on the map and I see Andorra which I presume we will go around and then nip down the coast ? Is that Basque country ?
Cyclone (thin fish bridge breathing as we speak)

Cycling Winds Plus Magazine New Years Resolution Edition

2006-12-20T16:56:00.000Z

Available January 2 2007 start your NEW YEARS RESOLUTION Here !!!!

Cycling Winds Magazine Christmas Edition( Winter Festival)

2006-12-20T10:57:00.000Z

Available in All good Newsagents and Book Stores Now

Cyclone and Mild Breeze - candidates for Trinny & Susannah?

2006-12-19T12:00:00.000Z

Typhoon Goes Basket

2006-12-19T07:57:00.000Z

Typhoon Flushed with news of the Dutch success of girls taking on boys at cycling during the European Shared Responsibility Tour decides to go Aero Basket in the slim hope that she could keep up

Wreckless housewife leaves trail of carnage on Dutch road

2006-12-16T00:17:00.000Z

Dutch police have released this picture of a speeding cyclist fleeing the scene of a multi-bike pile up which resulted in the deaths of three oversized egos.

The Woman, seen carrying Saturday's 'Big Shop', callously toyed with three elite British bikers over a number of miles before unleashing a devastating turn of pace and leaving the tourists eating dusty humble pie in her wake.

A spokesman from the Dutch Parliament has apologised on behalf of the Nation and has confirmed that changes in the Law now makes freewheeling compulsary when foreigners are near.

Advice for Pregnant Cyclists

2006-12-15T14:36:00.000Z

Are you expecting a new cyclist in your life? You won't necessarily have to give up riding your bicycle and lose your hard earned fitness, which will be a great benefit throughout the pregnancy and during birth. This goes for women too

Most cyclists won't be able to ride for the entire pregnancy, but you probably will be able to for quite a long time if you are already an avid cyclist. However, there are some issues that you must take into consideration, and of course, you should consult your midwife.

While it is good that cycling is a low-impact aerobic exercise, you will still need to take care when cycling while pregnant. Your centre of gravity will begin to shift causing balance problems. You may very well find that you already have balance problems due to being pissed and as such you may find the sensation quite pleasurable. You should of course ride in such a manner so as to avoid sharp turns and tricky manoeuvring. In addition, when riding you might not want to take your hands of the bars to light a cigarette. Why not wait until you reach your destination when you can have a well earned fag and a Bacardi Breezer in complete safety.

Dr Cyclone Bsc(hons) MA, Rn Dip

Publicity Shots

2006-12-15T11:34:00.001Z

May I commend you on your observational skills Mild Breeze. There was indeed no saddle on the bike. I was modelling the new 'hover' saddle for Top Cyclists Weekly - made for ultimate comfort and freedom of movement. A controlled stream of air gently elevates you preventing chaf of all descriptions. The smile was due to an unexpected, though not unpleasant, change in air temperature. I'm dismayed you haven't commented on my top of the range 50's style lycra dress. Unfortunately I don't think they go up to your size.

Cycling Safety Shorts

2006-12-15T09:15:00.000Z

The winds insist on correct clothing at all times, although we sometimes don't wear our helmets when riding through built up areas. Its for the fans and we like to give a little bit back. Thankfully this lady seems to be wearing correct clothing and when we have our expedition in the jungle I'll be wearing a pair of these grrrrr!!!!

Mobile Self Gratification?

2006-12-13T18:35:00.000Z

It is clear from the smile on Typhoon's face that she has not yet fitted a saddle to her bike. Is this deliberate?

Crazy and Irresponsible

2006-12-13T18:01:00.000Z

Whilst I applaud the Wind's attempts to bring cycling to the masses, I must express my horror and concern over the photograph of the scantily clad young lady.

Not only is she cycling on the wrong side of the road, she's not wearing a helmet and I'll wager she has not applied a high factor sun cream to her exposed flesh.

It's not big and it's not clever to blatantly disregard ones safety for the sake of appearance.

The anonymous gentleman who has requested the young lady's shorts is clearly misguided. Those shorts are obviously not suitable for cycling as they lack the required padding to prevent chafing and frankly it's quite unhygienic to share shorts (even when washed, there may be remnants of stains and body odour).

Typhoon Takes to Cycling

2006-12-12T12:00:00.000Z

Typhoon Delights in the new found freedom that cycling brings

Trans Pennine Cycling Challenge against Racism

2006-12-12T10:16:00.000Z

Winds
I’m thinking big. I’ve already done most of the Leeds Liverpool canal and although I was racially abused in the Greater Manchester area I would be willing to ride though it again, someone’s got to make a stand. Although this route appears to drop south of the racists. This route has all the added benefits of riding through Leeds (free bed and bacon) to Hull (Free bed and bacon).
Well this is my first stab at a long weekender for Spring 07. Its only 213 miles, so approx 70 miles a day for 3 days, piece of piss.
http://www.transpenninetrail.org.uk/
Anyway winds any thoughts gratefully accepted.
Please don’t forget to register on the blog
Cyclone (Next winner of the Trans Pennine Racist Challenge)

Imagine My Surprise

2006-12-08T15:11:00.000Z

Imagine My Surprise

A few months ago I was out cycling in a remote part of Northern England with a friend of mine called Johnny when we came across a beautiful female cyclist in distress. As we all know it is our solemn duty at assist wherever possible. So we pulled in and asked.
‘Can we help’?
‘Oh please…’She replied. ‘I was out cycling with some girlfriends when all hell broke loose. I started to bounce up and down on my downstroke
I was pushing down with my legs. One of my friends decided to
Pull off to give up at the front, and return to her position. She has a hardtail and decided to pump to encourage excitement. I had to bunny hop
By crouching down and then exploding upward, pulling my top tube and my damping was all over the place. I ended up in a heap’.
I don’t live far and my friends have ridden on to arrange for a pick up’.
‘Let’s have a look then’. I said
‘Nice Machine’ said Johnny. ‘Is that an adjustable cup? You have nice Bushing in your front too.
I quickly whipped out my tool sack and began to fumble about. Firstly
My rubber pressed against her rim tightly when I gripped her handles. So that seemed OK.
‘I bet you Grab on to the Bar Ends to aid your riding position’ said my mate.
I continued to rummage around deep inside my bag. The Bottom Bracket was gripping my crank axle, with two sets of ball bearings, a fixed cup, and an adjustable cup, so that answered that question.
‘You have a nice tight shiny block ‘ offered my friend by way of encouragement.
Eventually I found it . My sprocket was attached to the right crankarm and I had to really drive it home.
‘Don’t worry’ I said. ‘ This nut spanner is a special tool used to loosen you up.
We had to whip out the back one. My friend remarked ‘What a tight dropout - I don’t think I’ll get it in, with these Knobblies.
My friend had a hard slick on, and I bet she wished she had his hard on now. I pressed on a clincher where my edges hooked under the curved-in edge of her rim. Thankfully she had a quick release and a long thin valve so much better than the short fat valve many have. This meant I could whip out my extra large pump and really get some pressure in her.
‘Nice Bra’ my friend exclaimed as he gently fingered the rubber inside the rim which protected the tube from the nipples.
I continued to stroke my pump backwards and forward filling up the valve stem, tall and skinny with a screw in seal. The outside of my tube remained constant in diameter but the thickness was reduced in the midsection where less strength was needed. All that was left to do was for me to Lubricate her bottom bracket.
We finished up just as transport arrived.
‘How can I ever thank you both’? Our new cycling friend cried. ‘Won’t you please come back for tea at my house its not far away. Its cold out here, and you’ve only come in your shorts’. I’m making bangers and mash and there's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. Well that’s should stop Johnny bonking for once.
When we arrived at her house she grabbed my headset gently and pulled me toward the side. ‘You can put this in my back passage, it’s a tight squeeze, but with some gently manoeuvring you’ll get it in OK’.
So my advice to you is if you see a cyclist in distress help them out you never know where it will lead.
Cyclone

Next Outing

2006-12-07T13:07:00.000Z

Hello boys and girl I hope you are fully recovered from your exertions. Me? I'm fine now. I visited the doctor after the Wildboar and he confirmed that I was suffering from excessivestella disorder and that I was lucky to be alive. He was amazed that I completed the course with such a condition and he thinks I probably would have won had I been fit or if the others had contracted the same disease. It would be nice to do another event before Christmas. I will keep a look out for something suitable or we could consider a small tour one weekend. > >Regards > > > > >Len > > > > > > > > >

Subject: Re: Next Outing > > > >Date: Wed, 01 Nov 2006 16:37:13 +0000 > > > > >

Hey Mild Breeze, good to hear from you. I feared you were still > >cycling
around the Yorkshire region looking for the finishing line. I'd heard a
small band of christians with compasses and an old mongrel (apparently
Lassie wasn't availalbe, she's in training for the Tour de France 2007) > >had
been out looking for you for days without so much as a break for a rendition
of kum-buy-ah and a slice of victoria sponge.
I'm sure you could tackle another event before Christmas, and it would be an ideal opportunity to wear your warm tweed twinset with the santa in > >lycra motif on the lapel (don't wear the pearls tho, they'll clash). Go steady on the mulled wine too, it may bring on a bout of that other disorder, wan#eredonwineitis. Warmest regards
Girl >

Dear Ms D> > > > > > > >Ye of little faith. How easy it must be to sit in ones comfy armchair and mock those who sacrifice their time for the benefit of others. I only hope you never need the services of the Christian Rescue And Protection society. It was their stirring rendition of 'morning has broken' that brought me out of a coma. Their rations of curd tart and 'old scrotum' ale gave me the strength to finish. In fact they said that if I hadn't been in a coma I >probably would have won. >Wan#ered? What I do in spare time has nothing to do with my drinking > >habits. Regards Mr B>

Next outing . I'm never in. Hopefully you will shortly have photographic evidence of my latest (crazy) stunt. All that said even if there's no official cycling events in the next couple of months, we could always work out our own crazy day out, all we need is a map (postage stamp sized) and we could be in that fresh air. So as George >Michael said . Lets go outside, oh and wake me up before you go go.Yours in sports Cyclonic irrigation PS Typhoon you're not invited because you're a lass, although you are allowed to photograph our lycra clad toned bodies

Subject: RE: Next Outing Date: Wed, 08 Nov 2006 15:25:50 +0000 Dear Windforms
Just a quick note as I sit in my comfy armchair reading Lycra Photography Weekly. I have no objection to not being invited on one of your little bike jaunts. To be honest, I would have trouble slowing down to your pace - the danger of developing a thrombosis in my calf through inactivity would be too great. Mr B, It's a rare thing, but I believe you may have been lied to by a Christian - saying you would have probably won the Wildboar challenge if you hadn't > >been in a coma is, quite frankly, as big a porkie as if they'd said Dennis Wise is a first class manager. They aren't called the CRAP society for > >nothing you know. However, if it eases the thought of your loss, then > >please do continue to support their cause. Kindest regards Lycra Photographer of the Year

Meteorological Elements
Caroline, can we get this straight. The wildboar was not a race. If it was I would have chosen somebody slower than me to race against. Like Paul did. And before ask, yes there are cyclists slower than me. Also if I was racing > >I wouldn't have worn a restrictive lycra skirt, infact many people have > >commented that, although I looked a million lire, if I hadn't worn it I probably would have won. Paul, that picture was clearly taken from a car and it's obvious you've imply unhooked your bike from a rack and stood next to a stranger so it looks like you've got a friend. Infact, come to think of it, we have no evidence that Caroline actually exits. Is she just another one of your made up girlfriends?

Regards > > >Len

Subject: RE: Next Outing > >Date: Wed, 15 Nov 2006

Hello Windforms

Len, let me rescue you from the fashion police - lycra skirts are sooo 1980's. And the risk of losing your modesty whilst peddling is too high. I'm surprised you were even allowed out of Primark in it. I know that you > >were beginning to think that I am actually Paul and 'Caroline' is infact a > >resin life size doll from Russia (albeit astonishingly lifelike, complete with eyelashes and fingernails and faster at cycling than you) but I can promise you I do exist. I am sure you and Simon will be gutted to hear that Tenerife has been experiencing a bit of cloud this week. > Kind regards > > >Pauls girlfriend > > >

It's nice to know that you exist. It's also heart warming to hear that there are still girls out there prepared to give Paul a second chance despite the allegations. Just rumours I hasten to add, nothing was proved, the bodies > >were so badly decompsed that it was impossible to identify them. > >I hope his holiday has not been spoiled by the goulish doings of the infamous lycra stalker. Isn't it just Paul's luck, every time he goes on holiday this character seems to turn up at the same place.

Regards Paul's boyfriend > >

11/20/06 11:07am

Buenos Dias Mis amigos ventosos. Mild Breeze I'm afraid I fell into your multi-lingual trap and started speaking French to the inhabitants of Tenerife only to find that they only spoke cockney, how embarrassing Good to see Typhoon building up her part, she'll be expecting a Christmas gift next. You will be relieved to hear that the weather was terrible in Tenerife and on top of that I contracted double Pneumonia and a cough. Therefore I have not trained. Whirlwind the bacon was also disgusting in the canaries so I was unable to follow the Humberside half marathon dietary regime. So as Xmas is around the corner the next outing is looking hard to fit in but 2007 will be here before you know it and we can test our endurance once more. I hope also to introduce you to Typhoon the resin life size doll from Russia > >early in the New Year

Yours in Sport Cyclone

>Subject: RE: Next Outing >Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2006 14:45:32 +0000 ”Paul's boyfriend???!!...... My god, what have I missed......but it was all going so well....It's like a bad episode of Trisha "Help, my boyfriend's got a boyfriend". I knew there were dark undercurrents to the lycra fascination ......" > > > >Yours in shock > >Paul's girlfriend

Dear Caroline Get with the programme!
Everybody knows that the only way to succeed in the care & charity sector is to hop on the minority express. Having a boyfriend pretty much guarantees immunity to dismissal. As well as having a boyfriend, I travel to and from work in a wheelchair and I wear a yashmak. Last week I was made Director General of social services. Regards Ms B OBE

>Sent: 29 November 2006 15:12 >Subject: RE: Next Outing
Thanks for the advice Ms B OBE. So presumably I'll have to get myself a lesbian lover, with Tourettes, a gammy eye, part irish part african, with a ginger afro, one leg shorter than the other requiring a built up shoe, who stutters. It's a tough call but I'll try dating direct. Congratulations on your promotion to Director General of social services. If I can find the above I'm assuming I'll be taking over from Tony Blair. Kind regards Paul's girlfriend, soon to be Prime Minister

_____

Subject: RE: Next Outing Pauls Girlfriend, Dont waste your money on dating direct(they are a rip off anyway),there are loads of girls fitting that description in Hull and you have a choice of corned beef legs included or severe bruising. Whirlwind.

Not all dating agencies rip you off. Have you forgotten how we all met?
Mild Breeze
Subject: RE: Next Outing Date: Thu, 30 Nov 2006 09:57:51 -0000

As I recall we all met in a West side Story way. You were the velvet pantaloon frilly shirts Jets dancing on the stage at the warehouse and checking your make up at Amnesia, and we were the Sharks a well established dance troop throughout Europe (we'd all been to Majorca The perfect rhythm tour 1983)). Then in 1984 through a mutual Travel agent we all went to Ibiza. Yes you're right a sort of travel agency come dating agency.
It all seems so long ago...
Cyclone
You're right Paul.
And in Ibiza the two factions amalgamated to form the infamous, Smegma Volcano
Happy days, happy days.
Whirlwind

As I remember it, it was between us and Wham who made it and who would you rather be now?

Mild Breeze
TyphoonYes thats right and that George Fitzpatrick bloke hasn't even got a toilet in his own house as he has to keep going to public ones. Cyclone - shocked to hear about your encounter with the Cumulo-Nimbus crew, I myself had a recent problem with them but did not pay £400 for the privilige! Truly sorry to hear about the Bacon fiasco, a couple of weeks ago I road tested cold pizza from the night before as a substitute and that did the trick, also you might not get the variation in quality that you get with the bacon. So to you Typhoon, it seems you are one of those girly things after all, my colleague Mild Breeze laid a cunning little trap for you and you fell right into it, the trained eye can quite clearly see contained within the text of your response on the 15th Nov the words "I admit I do not know my sprockets from my spokes" admittedly the letters are not quite in that order. As us do-gooders say "you might drink the real ale but you havn't got the beard to go with it" Yours in a long sack like skirt and ruffly blouson Detective Inspector Whirlwind
D.I. Whirlwind - I'd have a word with your superiors about your uniform. That's standard Social Worker attire they've got you in. If you don't nip it in the bud they'll have you in sandals, carrying a rucksack in the shape of 'Tigger' and arranging orphaned babies adoptions next.
I'm just relieved Paul's never mentioned my beard....

Operation Wildboar

2006-12-07T12:40:00.000Z

Sent: 13 September 2006 09:53
Subject: Operation Wildboar
Hi Chum

I've been speaking with Tony who has told me about an interesting cycle ride called the Wildboar challenge. See www.wildboarchallenge.ik.com .

The ride's on Sunday the 8th of October, it's 50k cross country and starts in the country park next to Tonys' then along canal paths, through woods, through Temple Newsam grounds etc.
It sounds like a good chance to get together, have a drink and go cycling. What do you think?

Can you give me Pauls e-mail add so I can ask him.

Speak tp you later

Len

Sent: 13 September 2006 11:15
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

I am definately going to enter it and might bring Sue/Amelia across.

Simon.
Sent: 13 September 2006 10:59
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar
Simon/Len
Thanks for this. Let me know if you are definitely entering and I will too .I will bring the kids down I think.
Cheers
Paul

Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar
Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 09:42:10 +0100
Right then I’m definitely going to enter it and I think I’m going to try and win it. I had a look at some of the photos on the web. There was a few blokes with beards and some little kids so it should be a piece of piss. Simon I think Lens new bike will be second and your ‘old’ bike can come third. Tony Fintz DNF as they say in Le Tour de France circles.
My life is a misery today after been soundly beaten by the Sunderland Scum, pray for me
Here’s to operation Wild Boar (I didn’t know there were any in the forests of Rothwell)
Cheers
Paul

Sent: 14 September 2006 16:51
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar
That's the spirit!
But I don't see why you get to win. My bike's newer than yours and you always get to win. Anyway, if you do win everybody else will just say its not a race and that they didn't win on purpose, then you'll feel realy bad for being over competative even though everybody else realy did want to win and they're just jealous. Also don't be fooled by the photograph. The bloke with the beard's probably got cancer and the kids are orphans so over-taking them would also be social suicide.
On a less serious note are you both coming over the night before, will you be carbo loading and if so will you be able to start at 8.30am as I may have a further appointment that day with much more important people than you two.
Warm regards
Mr Boylan

Sent: 14 September 2006 17:29
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

I for one dont want to win anyway, the press only build you up and knock you back down again, just ask George Best, and I dont want the South Leeds Advertiser hiding behind our rabbit hutch everytime I come home from the pub, so if I dont win, and I dont want to, that is why I didn't.

I was thinking of coming over the night before but maybe with Sue and Amelia, not sure about that yet but will definately come over night before if you want early start.

I have already started growing my beard.

SH

Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 13:06:13 +0100
As always I was so obsessed with winning that I failed to answer Lens question. I am of course keen to start early. This will give me a much greater chance of winning. The origins of the present community of Rothwell lie in the Anglo-Saxon period, when people gave it the name of Rothwell or clearing by the well (obviously). Edward III kept a hunting lodge there and therefore wild boars are probably not as ridiculous as you two first thought. I do though feel that Lions is pushing it a bit.
Interestingly I also found out that Rothwell has a long history of coal mining, which had been carried out in the parish for over 600 years. The last pit to close was the Fanny Pit, which was named after one of the daughters of the Charlesworth family who owned Rothwell Colliery until 1948. Please gentlemen no jokes about going down the Fanny. It stopped producing coal on 9th December 1983.
In 1995, Leeds City Council and Leeds Groundwork formed a partnership which, together with local residents and community groups, transformed the former colliery into a 50 hectare country park. Now I don’t know much but 50 hectares sounds pretty big to me, although not perhaps as big as the fanny pit.
I hope my vast knowledge of local west Yorkshire history has minimized some of your fears
Paul

Sent: 15 September 2006 16:56
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar
Paul Simon
I've been in touch with the organisers who have confirmed that, to their knowledge, there are no lions in Rothwell and that 'The Rothwell Lions Club' is just a catchy name for a group of local do-gooders. Obviously I gave them another dressing down for misleading people and suggested that if they were going to have a name like that perhaps they should go do good in the Serengeti.
Yours quite literally
Len

Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar
Date: Mon, 18 Sep 2006 14:00:07 +0100
Fellow Challengees,

I confirm I have sent my application off and I have decided that I am going to win it after all.

I went out on my bike at the weekend and encountered loads of wild animals such as Rabbits, Fly's, Birds, Hedgehog(dead - I think it was a Hedgehog) and some Cats and managed to navigate around them all no problem, therefore it follows that I will win.

Cheers,

Simon

Sent: 18 September 2006 16:41
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

Dear Runner up
This is a local event for local cyclists. As a guest, you are expected to observe cycling protocol and give locals right of way. My name is already on the cup!
Regards
Wildboar

Second place equals first loser. (I think I saw that on Top Gun or something like that, maybe it was Navy Seals, probably had Tom Cruise in it)
I finally sent my form off on Friday if only I was as quick at sending letters out as I will be in the saddle. I did not know I would be winning a cup.
I went out on Saturday and did 30 miles off road in the mud (I can hear your gentle sobs from here) I certainly earned that 14” Pizza with extra pepperoni, which completed my gruelling training week. I do hope you gentlemen are starting to think about your pork loading diet ? Simon I do think you are at a distinct advantage here as I have only ever known your wife to feed you healthy lardy snacks and meals. I’m sure that Mrs Boylan is also gifted in the frying pan department. It is so much harder for me to discipline myself, the threat of salad is always around the corner.
Well enjoy your week
Let the games begin
Yours in sport
Paul (1st)

________________________________________
Sent: 25 September 2006 15:42
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

Dear Madam
14" pizza! In Yorkshire 14" pizza is considered a 'lite-bite' for OAP's and is usualy served with tea and scones at Betty's. All that North Eastern air is playing havoc with your sexuality. You need to re-do your application and ask to be entered in the ladies race as this includes a visit to an 'olde worlde' lace making factory and a quite charming tea room.
30 muddy miles is roughly the distance I cycle to get to my training route each day. Saddleworth Moore can be bleak at times but I enjoy the solitude. Sometimes I worry I may be over training so I've decided not to train on the day of the race.
Eat my mud, suckers
Mild Breeze

Mild Breeze.
I took your advice and nipped down to Harrogate on the bike at lunchtime for a cup of tea and a nice cream scone. Normally I get my lunch from Scotland (deep fried kebab for starters with mars bar in batter for desert) but a change is as good as a rest and it’s a while since I cycled to Betty’s and back for lunch.
It all seems quiet on the Willerby Whirlwind front I feel he may be worried that 3rd place may be beyond him. No word at all on Tony Fitz. I assume he will at least start.
Keep me updated on your little training regime it sounds like ‘fun’.
Paul (1st)

________________________________________
CC
Subject: Operation Wildboar
>Mild Breeze/Very Windy
>
>Contrary to popular belief, it's not the taking part, it's the winning that counts. Obviously my allegiance lies with Cyclone or 'Winner' as he's known in these parts. When you can cycle across the Andes on a penny farthing during the ad break of Coronation Street, then come back to me and I may take your challenge more seriously. As for all the best nicknames being taken, tell Flatulence he needs to face his inner demons and accept someone has to finish behind the cancer sufferers and orphans. A word of caution for the event itself, even though the country park is well estabilshed those mine shafts could still pose a danger. The last thing you need is eternal notoriety following a Headline in the South Leeds Advertiser...'Man Injured in Fanny Disaster'.
>
>And remember lads, God loves a try-er.
>
>Kind regards

>

________________________________________

Sent: 30 September 2006 21:52
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

Caroline Caroline! Who the fuck is Caroline That sounds like a girls name! Don't tell me one of you two has been letting girls into the inner circle.
You know what happens now. What used to be a shared bath becomes an invigorating hydro experience with skin cleansed using coconut milk, oil of courgette, coal dust and turtle spurm.
Have you considered the consequences? A girl turns up. She beats us! She tells all and sundry! We're doomed, doomed I tell you! What were you thinking?
Unknown female. Look into my eyes, look into my eyes. You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy. Your mind is blank you have forgotten all that you have read and heard. You will forgo cycling and go back to exfoliating, reading 'Heat', arranging scatter cushions and buying Christamas gifts in July.
Phew that was close lads! Picture the headlines; Bird beats boys on bikes. None of us can afford that kind of publicity.
Keep sshtumm
Mild Breeze

Mild Breeze
Caroline is actually a boys name in certain parts of the world. Not unlike Shirley Crabtree or Big Daddy as you will remember him. But you are actually right Caroline is a girl but the closest she gets to coconut cleansing milk is when she rubs Coconut oil into her saddle so she can slip off it a nano second or two quicker in the triathlon transition area, hence the name Hurricane. I wouldn’t worry about her beating you, the distance is ay too short for her to consider getting the bike out of the shed.
I spoke to whirlwind this morning (He was actually cycling to Portsmouth, but the lazy twat had not even reached Bristol and it was after 10:00 am). He said that Force 10 Fitzpatrick is actually ‘competing’ !!!!!! (As predicted all the best nicknames are already taken).
My bloody number has not arrived yet surely the number ‘1’ would be the first printed.
Anyway it’s the lake district for me and my final preparations.
Yours in sport
Paul (Cyclone 1st )
PS Did I say ASDA Harrogate I meant ASDA on the outskirts of Knaresborough

Mild Breeze/Cyclone,

I normally cycle to Harry Ramsdens in Blackpool for lunch but went to Arctic
Circle instead today which is why I was a bit late back.

I am going to Halfords just outside Alicante after work to have my new lead
frame and square wheels fitted to make the "Wildboar" a bit more of a
challenge.

Tony rang me the other night and said he was not doing it because all the
best nicknames had already been taken and he has not got any lycra shorts
but I had told him previously about our training on 14" pizzas and lard and
I think he reckons its a bit much for him.

Best get off now as I have still got to fasten the car to the back of the
bike before I cycle home.

Very Windy.

I've contacted Halford's head office and, just as I suspected, they
confirmed that they do not have a branch in Alicante. Although I can't prove
it, I now find myself doubting your claim that you cycled to the Arctic.

Cyclone

I've been in touch with the proprieter of Betty's who, just as I suspected,
confirmed that scones are only served as part of the afternoon tea package.
This casts some doubt over your claim that you cycled there for lunch.

Whirlwind/Cyclone

Fanciful and extravagant training claims will only heap further
embarrassment on yourselves come the day of the race. You need to accept
that you are in the 'it's the taking part that counts' crowd. There is a
support group for like minded losers, why not contact them just text;
Cyclists Unite say No To Speeding.

Is Tornado Tony realy not doing the race? It was his idea!

Condolences

Mild Breeze

Did somebody order a raw nerve for Mr Boylan..?? It seems to have arrived. I understand it comes from a deep emotional trauma as a child - being called Lisa and made to wear that floral dress with your hair in plaits would un-hinge the most masculine of boys......."no mummy, not the pink ribbon and ballet pumps.....noooo....". Keep up with the therapy, that urge to wear womenswear from M & S at the weekend will pass. You'll have to accept that girls win sometimes, live with it. I don't know where your information comes from but you seem to be ill informed - Now magazine is the one of choice, oh and Cycling Weekly.

Warmest wishes
Caroline

Sent: 03 October 2006 19:52
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

Gadzoocks! It is a girl.

I once met a girl in real life.

Do you mind me asking what dress size you are and if you have any unwanted
items. I tend to favour twin sets in pastle colours.

The lads down the club will never believe it when I tell them I've been
talking to a real girl. You are a real girl aren't you? It's just that I've
been mislead so many times.

Regards

Mild breeze

Sent: 04 October 2006 14:43
Subject: RE: Operation Wildboar

What a kerfuffle !!!

I,ve heard of girls before infact I work with some people who claim to be
one of them.

They often go out to the shops together and come back with bags full of
clothes, then go back to the shops with the bags the next day together and
come back with a slimming magazine instead.

My wife Sue, she brushes her hair, I think that is the sign of a girl also.

We need to vigilant if we want to keep these girls out, I am told they often
disguise themselves by "dressing up" or putting on "face masks" infact one
of the lads here told me one of the alleged "girls" here was a dog, which
confused me, they themselves often refer to a "girl" colleague as a tart so
I am proposing that as well as keeping girls out we should also ban all
animals and any pastry based goods from competing, pavlovas should be ok.

To ensure there are no further infiltrations I am now coming over to Leeds
on the morning of the challenge without Sue or Amelia both of whom I suspect
to be girls, I will meet you there at 8.15am.

Mild Breeze I suspect that you have been had by this Caroline person who is
clearly not a girl at all, I am reliably informed that no girl would be able
to find the Andes let alone cycle across them.

Cyclone, be very careful up there, beware of anybody with different
coloured finger nails to you, I will see you at the weekend when we can
re-group.

The Whirlwind (Blowing everybody away)

Operation Wildboar News report

2006-06-09T13:24:00.000Z

RACE REPORT YORKSHIRE EVENING POST

Early on Sunday morning a vicious egotistical cyclone swept into the sleepy Yorkshire town of Rothwell. Tropical cyclones are amongst the most powerful and destructive meteorological systems on earth. Globally, 80 to 100 develop over tropical oceans (and canals) each year. Many of these make landfall and can cause considerable damage to property and loss of life as a result of the high winds. Yesterday terrified locals stayed indoors drinking tea and eating bacon sandwiches as the mighty wind ripped through the rugged former mining countryside. Resident of nearby East Leeds were also shocked as the damage soared into tens of pence. Walkers at a local beauty spot were stunned to find themselves and their dogs covered in the debris that followed the mighty cyclone, although observers cited the trailing Force Ten as mainly responsible the devastation caused by mud slides resulting in a high loss of canine life. And then after 2 hours and 29 minutes the silence came, it was over almost as soon it began. The threatened whirlwind and force ten that were predicted fizzled out before they even started even the aggressive mild breeze failed to pickup as it arrived much much later in the day than predicted more of a puff than a breeze. One thing is for sure as global warming continues its inexorable path we will be seeing much more of the vicious egotistical cyclone and less of the very ordinary whirlwind, force ten and mild breeze. Report by Mr Fish the Weatherman

Mild Breeze, Whirlwind, if only you'd listened to the weather forecast before entering the race. One consolation Mild Breeze, you'll have looked outstanding in your outfit. That twin-set was made to be modelled on a Raleigh Chopper. Maybe you could try the girls race next year. Kind regards Caroline